01st Hash Rap

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

[Man oh man, it's one thing to be playing a MMO. It's another thing entirely to actually be part of one. Again.

On the other hand, Davesprite has his everything from the waist down back to something more human. That is definitely an improvement. And he gets bonus wings, so now it's like he's some sort of weird angel with orange feathers.]

I had to have died. That's the only fuckin' possibility. I somehow died while playin' that shitty Ghostbusters game and went to steampunk heaven.

[He sighs and shrugs. There's not much he can do about it if that's the case. The best thing he can do is get some information. That there are even people around after a year of only seeing two godly humans is…pitiful, to say the least. He's happy to have a break from salamanders and nakodiles and other sprites and shit.

Wow Davesprite's getting really sidetracked over here. He's just…gonna go walk up to a person.]

Sup. Where do I sign up as God's personal secretary? Obviously, it's my new role in existence if I've got fuckin' angel wings outta my back like a kid who got spliced with goddamn bird genes as a baby.

Comments

[splinterself]

Yeah, exactly. And fortunately I'm not obligated by game law or whatever to wear that shit, even if it doesn't do anything for the wings.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

You'd be the first of us with wings without bein' prototyped with a fuckin' crow. Egbert and Harley didn't spontaneously grow 'em. Well, Harley's part dog because of her dog bein' prototyped, but that's about it.

[splinterself]

[...UU, dude, just...yeah, no.] Seriously? I can't wait for Jake to meet his grandma, then.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Grandma? My, what big ears she has. I take it he's the mysterious penpal she's been goin' on about?

[splinterself]

Yeah. He was actually building some kind of rabbit to send to her, actually.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

A rabbit? Like the stuffed rabbit from Con Air?

[splinterself]

[...dude.] Yeah. I actually gave that one to Jane- friend of mine, with some modifications. Borrowed it from my bro, he didn't seem to mind.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

I'm gonna guess Jane's Egbert's nanna. Shit, that thing gets around like a trans-dimensional hot potato.

[splinterself]

Really. What did it do in your guys' universe? [There's a faint, yet horrifying (for him), implication to be had.]

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Dunno, actually. Got a sword off the thing that Alpha Dave needed, and I dunno what the hell happened to it after that. Pretty sure Dave would know or Lalonde.

[splinterself]

Maybe I'll ask them later. We haven't exactly talked about our sessions yet.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Bunch of bullshit happened. It's gonna take a while to get the gist of what happened for ours to get so fucked up that we needed to Scratch the motherfucker. I dunno much about what happened 'cause of reasons, but I can probably answer whatever I can just on account of havin' spritely knowledge.

[splinterself]

...so tell me about your other two players. Crocker and English's kids, I mean, and yeah I know all about the ectobiology thing. One's Jade and the other is...John, right?

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Well, that saves some weird ass explanation bullshit. But yeah, Jade Harley and John Egbert. Harley's our Space player and Egbert's the Breath player. He's also the one who killed himself by tryin' to face off his fuckin' denizen at a distinctly low level.

Egbert's kinda...naive, to put it nicely, and I'm sure you can gather that one on your own. He's blunt and truthful, which is good in some ways and holy shit bad in others. Can't really ask for a better best friend, though. When you see him, it's like lookin' at a huge fuckin' livin' ball of sunshine.

Harley's not as naive, but she's still got that whole schtick with bein' isolated on some godforsaken island in the middle of the Pacific ocean somewhere. She's got as much energy as Egbert, but I'd say she's more grounded. Harley doesn't deal with any fuckin' nonsense. A bit of her has changed with the whole dog shit goin' on, like chasin' catsprites all around the fuckin' golden ship.

[splinterself]

That sounds about right. [...he had some noticed some compare/contrasts going on with himself and the other three.] John's the one in Washington?

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Yep. Cold, rainy, Maple Valley, Washin'ton. I like to remind him that he lives in the state of sparklin' vampires and stupid broads.

[splinterself]

That's where Jane's from. Jake's from a shitty island in the middle of nowhere. I like to call it 'Murderdeath Island.' I'm from Houston, or what was Houston before the Batterwitch flooded the world.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

The fuck did it do to earn that cheerful title? ...Huh, looks like Striders stay in Texas and Lalondes in New York. I'm guessin' it didn't get any cooler when it got flooded?

[splinterself]

Hell no. It's as hot as it has ever been, trust me. I'd offer to show you if I ever got the chance, bro, but I don't hate you. Even if...did your universe have the SBaHJ films?

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Oh my God, no, but that's a great idea. SBaHJ was a web comic I made. Only huge fuckin' corporation I can think of that might've mirrored that would've been the Smuppet Empire Bro made.

[splinterself]

Shit, I always wanted to try my hand at seeing how far I could get with my smuppets. [This? Is awesome.] Bro, I never met the guy, but he ended up becoming a regular god damned media mogul. I'm talking a shit ton of movies, mastering the art of irony, a weird obsession with Ben Stiller and Con Air, everything.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Huh. [Well shit.] Think I know where the last two came from. Mind tellin' me a bit more about the guy since I told you a bit about mine?

[splinterself]

Sure. Guy lived 400 years before me. He was a hero, dude - started that media empire, fought the Batterwitch, was the most god damned heroic figure in history if you'd ask me. I don't know as much about him as I would like, obviously, and most of the shit I pieced together through fragmented bits of historical records.

[cawcawmthrfckrs]

Hero, huh? What made him that?

[splinterself]

Defied the Batterwitch. Ended the Hilarocaust. Centuries thereafter, survivors would cite the rooftop showdown between him and the Batterwitch's minions as one of the most heroic moments in human history. I later learned that he died with Lalonde when they faced the sea troll herself.