It...seemed like a good idea at the time.

[splinterself]

[So after getting the "Where is this, who are you, what is going on?" out of his system, Dirk Strider was purposefully and boldly exploring Mac Anu and was...kind of bemused by the fact that the city wasn't done up in purple and black.

...just saying.

He had ended up at the harbor and there he paused in his wan- purposeful exploring, as...you know what's incredibly distracting? Actually only having one self (at least for the time being) that he was aware of. Also the clothes. Also the fact that he still had no idea what the hell was going on, and, more importantly, what was happening with Roxy.

There was a certain irony in him spacing out just as badly as he did when he had multiple selves to juggle, one which was lost on the guy as he was spacing out, brooding.]

...

[Yeah, this was getting him nowhere. (And shit, the lack of purple really was throwing him off.) That was when he shook his head slightly, turned to the nearest person, and said:]

Hey.

[So verbose.]

Comments

[hoperaider]

How am I laying it on thick if I'm just stating facts about you?

[splinterself]

Look it at this way, English. [Brace yourself. Are you braced? I want to see some goddamn bracing.]

[hoperaider]

[He's learning to be suspicious when Dirk says things like this. :|]

[splinterself]

[Good! He's learning to be a little bit more skeptical. Decent bracing. It's acceptable.

Anyway. Strike a pose, as shit is about to get real.]

You are a guy who doesn't even try to apply critical reasoning to shit and Pollyanna swan dives with eyes shut and arms wide open into the nearest pool if anybody tells you that there's gold at the bottom, but that's what I like about you. Unlike myself and Roxy, you aren't a goddamn cynic. You trust people. You telling me that you trusted me about being from the future meant a lot, dude.

[This is said with tones of deepest sincerity.

Wait, sorry, typo. Insincerity. Continue y/n?]

[hoperaider]

[Jake is surprised, but the mouse is going to click on that y option.]

[splinterself]

[Y it is. He declaims further, gently nibbling on the scenery.]

I mean, there I was, thinking you were probably going to blow me off like-...and I was ready to play it up as a joke. But no, man, there you were, pulling on your swim drunks - unless you swim naked? And going, "Yeah, hey, I'm here for you, I believe you, you got a pool you need me to swan dive into?" You're the earnest one among us, the stalwart guy who embraces everything that comes at you with an open heart and goodwill.

And your callipygian assets are pretty nice to have around. [It's like so utterly sincere in terms of delivery. Continue y/n?]

[hoperaider]

[His subconscious says that there will probably be a terrible punchline if he doesn't stop Dirk now, but fuck it. He clicks on that y again.]

[splinterself]

[No survival instincts, huh.]

[hoperaider]

[None whatsoever. Unless someone's trying to sneak up from behind. Then they get a gun in their face.]

[splinterself]

[God dammit, Jake. He needs to get a toddler harness.

Anyway, he's gnawing gently on the scenery as metaphorical pigs are turned into metaphorical delicious food products in the background. I hope you like ham.]

I mean, damn. If we're talking about things callipygian, you'd easily make it to my top five list. It's like you deserve a crown for that, and I'm sure other people would damned well agree with me that those two things are your most notable traits.

[hoperaider]

[It's a good thing he already ate his ice cream or it might be on his face. He's blushing enough that he needs to cover it.]

[splinterself]

[And he takes one look at Jake's face and makes a noise.

It may be a snicker. It might even venture into chuckle territory. Or it might just be the sound of a Twin Blade getting shanked.

Continue, y/n?]

[hoperaider]

[Jake is pretty sure that is not the sound of a Twin Blade getting shanked. The mouse clicks on y once again. By this point, it's out of morbid curiosity.]

[splinterself]

You know what, man? I've got your back. Say the word and I will make you a crown and upon it will read 'Callipygian King.' I'll engrave it with replicas of your glory. It'll be a +5 to your incredible skills and moxie and even this damn game will recognize it somehow. Everyone who looks at it will go, "God damn, that crown is right, that young man is a fine example of callipygous assets in their highest form."

[Continue, y/n?]

[hoperaider]

[Y is this even about Jake's ass in the first place?! He sort of wants to know, but at the same time he's not sure he does!]

[splinterself]

[He's pretty much a large ham at this point. Think Pirates of the Caribbean with Jack Sparrow and Hector Barbossa rum laced pirate ham-to-rum laced pirate ham combat. This is, of course, tempered with the Strider sense of cool.]

Hell, maybe we ought to take it a step further. Say the word, Jake, and I'll not only make you the crown I will sew a thousand smuppets to act as your royal court. Through my subtle string pulling they will bob and move to your every whim and command. You want them to spell out Callipygian King? Say the word and it will happen. You want to rule over them in a pompous fashion? Have no fear, I will make that magic happen. Wherever you go there will be a soft plush ass, one that's firm yet yielding, waiting to catch you if you should fall.

[God. And Roxy says he doesn't know how to have fun.]

[hoperaider]

[SILENCE. And then....]

Dirk. I can't. I don't have words. Why did you pick my buttocks of all things?

[splinterself]

See? That's exactly what I mean. You go overboard, people feel kind of awkward about it.

[hoperaider]

I don't go that overboard, do I?

[Okay, now he feels bad.]

[splinterself]

Nah, not really. I just got into it a little.

[hoperaider]

Are you sure?

[Deja vu~]

[splinterself]

Yeah. No, you ain't that bad. I was just employing critical methods and tempering my Bro's ironical ways with your own brand of sincerity.

[hoperaider]

Oh, good. You had me worried there that you were quite serious about it.

[splinterself]

What, worried about someone admiring your ass? You should have some more confidence, English.

[hoperaider]

Okay sort of that as I have no idea what you could possibly see in that, but I was thinking more of it getting awkward for you that I do tend to compliment you.